New Year's Eve

Well, it is the last real day of 2008. It's been a mess, to be frank. My life has been turned upside down, more often than night, and i feel like i can't slow anything down. I know that I need someone to talk to, and I know that i can't. I have my friends, and i have my blog, but i feel like that isn't enough. I need to learn to let go. I need to learn to stop striving for things, not perfection or any of the normal things, but I'm never happy, and throughout the day, if you know me, you will hear me regret more than one thing. Which is bad, I am 20, and i regret so much that i can't go through a day without wishing I would've done something different.

We're having a party tonight. My stomach is in knots, my chest hurts; obviously my anxiety is really acting up. And to make things worse, I think my step-dad is coming to our party tonight. That doesn't really make things worse, just makes things more awkward. Shane and Cassandra really don't mind if he is there, and I don't mind, just none of my family has ever seen me in a social environment. Which makes me fairly nervous, considering how socially awkward I am, and how my dad's side of the family used to pick on me.

but, I guess like Heather says, I gotta put myself out there.

bbye.

Gratuity Lists.

After talking to my wonderful mother on the phone today sitting at work, explaining how Shane and I have been arguing lately, and her working on her sobriety is all about self-wroth; she offered up the suggestion of making a gratitude list, on a daily basis, of things that I am grateful for, and not big, expensive, materialistic things, but the small things because being thankful isn't something that just happens around thanksgiving the things that a lot of people start to take for granted when they are younger and don't realize the things that they have are necessities, but merely pleasures that other people don't have. Like a bed, a car, a roof over your head, food on the table, hell a table to eat on, things of that nature. I've decided to discuss this with shane, and i think i am going to make a separate blog, inspired by Postsecret and So, How Was Your Day?, to have people email or comment with things that they are thankful for. So, what are you thankful for?

It's already a rollercoaster of a day.

I've been up for roughly an hour and a half, and the day is already going to be filed in the never wanna be thought about again days. It's just a bad day, and I don't really know why. I read somewhere recently that if you go to bed in a bad mood, you'll wake up a bad mood, which I'm starting to think is true. Because whenever i go to bed in a bad mood, i wake up in a bad, if not worse mood. And, when I get in bad moods, I can't seem to pull myself out of them for days, I sit and pick at everything; myself, marriage, money, job, everything; my bad moods are really unhealthy.

I think I am getting sick again, our heater got turned off (manually, we still have heat) before we went to bed last night, so it was almost so cold in my room that you could see your breath. I haven't been sleeping good, waking up at all hours of the night, and I'm starting to see a pattern, I'm depressed.

I'm passive-aggressive, or so I am told. Here is the definition that I found when I googled it, "the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way", and I personally don't feel like that is me. But, then again, it's my family that runs from the truth, so maybe the people who keep telling me that are right.

I feel like my marriage is going down the potty. I know it is awfully soon to be feeling that way, and I don't want it to, not at all. All we do, or have done for a while, is argue. It's started to go in the same exact pattern it did about a year ago Except, the situations and time periods of "goodness" are different and getting shorter. We'll go about a week, week and a half, without arguing, and then that is all that we'll do for what feels like forever.I know that we're both stressed, and I know that, and I also know that I shouldn't be making the excuses like i do; I'm not doing it anymore, I am stopping RIGHT NOW, making excuses and taking all the blame for everything, even if it is doing it to end an argument.

My living situation is getting very unbearable uncomfortable. The three of us haven't been arguing, it's just getting uncomfortable. I know that everyone says this, but I feel like i do everything (in the common areas). I load and unload the dishwasher, clean the kitchen, and have shampooed the carpets more than once in the passed two and a half weeks we have lived there. Sometimes I wish that I could run away. I know that wouldn't fix all of my problems. But, it would keep my problems preoccupied for a while.

I need to get in school. I need to stay focused.
I can't lose sight of the future.

signing off