The things i would like to accomplish

I feel like in recent weeks I've lost all of the things that I want to accomplish. There are a lot, and I know I need to get started, but I feel so lost and stuck. And the things I want to do aren't just materialistic, I want to help people. I really want to help people. I know that my close friends would say that I am a very helpful person and that I would do anything for someone else, but I really want to do something, and more than a random act of kindness, like holding the door or letting someone cross the street, that is actually just being courteous; I want to really help someone.

I've always been, and I don't want to say fascinated, because I don't think that is the right word to use, with The Trevor Project; when I first came across it, I was wanting to get more involved in the LGBT community, wanting to help people who are going through what I've been going through. But I've always wanted to volunteer for The Trevor Project, or the EQCA, or HRC, or somewhere of the likes, but I feel like in all actuality, I don't have any time, when all I have is time. I work a shit job, that will give me a few days if I need it, I have means of transportation, and I feel like all I do is make excuses.

I want to make myself happy, by myself, without any materialist objects; this is the one that would take the longest. I need to be dropped on an island, or put in a cabin in the woods, for one week, by myself. And, that might not necessarily make me happy, but I know that it would definitely make me grateful. And don't get me wrong, I really am grateful for everything I have,like a roof over my head, a solid job, food in my refrigerator, hell even my fridge. But there are days that I still think that isn't enough, and I don't know how to make it stop.

My generation takes quite a bit for granted, and I really need to start working on the things that I am grateful for. My mom, I've talked about her recovery a few times before, has the best advice, but I have the hardest time applying it to my life. This isn't a joke, but I feel like I need to recover, because I am addicted to feeling sad, which, most doctors would call depression, blah blahblah, been there, and I know what needs to be fixed, I just feel like I can't do it on my own.

I want to know how she does it, I want to know how she applies all of the daily information to her life. I am going to ask for her advice today, and see if she can help me with anything. She knows that I am unhappy in my current situation, she just tells me to figure it out, but that is my mom, and that is how she needs to act right now, she doesn't have time, and some people might say she is my mom she has to, but no; she is going through one of the most important changes of her life right now, I can wait.

I've got to get my head on straight. I have to. The talk with my grandma still resonates in my head; I need to see if we (shane and I) are on the same page, and I need to get my life going.

I've got a goal, to be healthy, and this is my last night eating meat.

I can't bare to think of what we do to our animals.

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