Straightforward

It's been a while, but not much has changed.

I've just got one things to say on this post.

I am going to be straightforward with everything especially my feelings.
i am not getting walked on
anymore

bitch.

I'm a mess, I'm a wreck, I'm perfect and I've learned to accept.

If I've not mentioned it prior, Motion City is one of my favorite bands. But, that isn't what this blog is about. It is a rant. So, if you're sick of my complaining I'd understand.

I am all of those things listed above. I am in a rut, and I keep going deeper. I feel like I don't get help with anything, literally nothing. And, I am kinda tired of wasting my breath repeating myself.

It really hit me a few days ago, Sunday actually. We were out late Saturday night, about 4 am late, when we all (Shane, Justin, Cassandra, Mike, and myself) all knew that Shane had to be up early. We were in the city, and didn't really care when we went home, because we knew that Shane had to work early. He said that he could care less about what time he got home because he hadn't pulled an all nighter in a while. We all tried to talk him out of it, and kept reminding him that it wasn't a big deal and we understood, as it was already 11, and we had to drive to Davis, and Sacramento. He just kept saying it wasn't a big deal, so we all dropped it. The trip in itself was a blast, I wish we went to the city more.

We didn't get home 'till about 4 am, as stated above, and Shane had to be up at 6 for work. He only worked one day this week. Which was Sunday, because he didn't feel good on Wednesday, and he didn't work on Saturday, not really for much of a reason, and then got off at 9 am on Sunday. And I understand, we were out late that night, super late. But I would've just tried, and stayed at work the whole time, especially because he only works 3 days a week. I feel like all I do is repeat myself.

We've been talking about moving to Sacramento again, we need to, not really a need, but we HAVE to. With Shane taking his cosmetology, and both of us being in school full time, it would be stupid for us to not.

We have a lot that we both need to talk about. Like, a lot.
let's hope i can speak up soon.

or I'm going to break.

A FIsh Out Of Water

I've been starting to get in that uncomfortable spot again at my house, and it really hit me yesterday, when I realized that I am treated differently no matter where I go. And, it might just be me over thinking the situation, but if there is something that I do that you don't like, or something about me that you don't like, please tell me. Not so I can fix it, but so I know why I am treated like this. I feel like part of me is stuck in that awkward teenager stage where everyone is against you. And I know that is just a mixture of the anxiety and depression, these medicine aren't helping, they were but now I feel like i've plateaued. No, not even plateaued, fell again, I was in one of those moods yesterday, and Shane knew it. He kept asking me what was wrong, and there wasn't anything wrong, I just didn't, and still don't, feel comfortable in my own skin.

I guess it really hit me yesterday, when I was talking to my roommates mom. No one thinks I am a good driver, and I am not saying i am the best, but I am sure in hell not saying I am the worst, hell she's only ridden with me once, I think. I asked if i could borrow one of their cars, you know because they have 2, and are most definitely in over their heads, and she didn't even acknowledged that i needed a ride or anything, just started talking about something fucking random. I am pissed, not really pissed, but uncomfortable, and I don't wan to live with them anymore, like at all. I know that the smart thing to do is live with them, so that we can have cheap rent, but is sacrificing my comfort, and happiness really worth the $300?

I even brought it up to Shane again last night while we were leaving Hamburger Patties last night. And, he just said that it was all to save money and to be able to make our trips, and or trips are before our real lease is even over. I guess it is time we really sit down and talk about it, especially if he is going to be doing school and everything.


who knows.

Dressing Up To Dress Down?

I'm obsessed with sophisticated dress. Okay, I don't know if it can be called an obsession, but I love it. A shirt and tie with a nice pair of pants has to be one of my most favorite things to wear. But, honestly, I only wear it once, maybe two times a month. I have a hard time "dressing up" when no one else around me will. Shane and I were talking the other day, as i was wearing a really cute sweater with a new polo, and I told him that it bothers me that I am the only one who tries to present myself better, not bothers me as much as it makes me uncomfortable looking spiffy when no one else does. His response was very general, and it got me thinking, he said "You always say that you like to dress like that, but then you say it is uncomfortable, when in all actuality it is everyone else that your making 'uncomfortable' because we feel like we have to present ourselves better." And, I know that doesn't say don't dress how you want, in fact that tells me to do it more. And not because I want to make anyone uncomfortable, but if I like it as much as I say I do, then why does it matter how it makes anyone else feel, if it makes me feel better about myself, and gives me a bit more of a backbone, then go for it. 

I am not sure if that last sentence really makes sense, but if you can't tell from reading this, which as of right now I think there are maybe like 2 people, I have self esteem issues. I'm working on them, well trying at least, and things have been getting better;  I just feel so good about myself when I "dress up" even though I wouldn't really call it 100% dressing up. 

Here is where I start, black button down, cute purple tie,  and nice jeans.

now to get a cardigan, and a new black sweater.

here is my ideal outfit: