we did it

We got married, things are going really well, and i could not be happier.

Work still sucks really bad
i am starting to get stressed out again because i care more about the job than the management.

it isn't healthy
and it is definitely not worth the energy.


Shane, Jeremy and I are looking for a place
it's going to be nice out on my own again
i cant wait.

this is a useless post
my mind is going a million miles a minute right now
maybe later

Update

We're amazing.

We had a "double date" with Jeremy and his boyfriend (that's what I would call it) Reed, it was good, me and Jeremy seem to be getting along a lot better than before.

Shane's switched his major. He's now going for web design. I keep encouraging him to open a portofolio somewhere, like here for example, or on another website, he doesn't seem to interested, or maybe i'm being over-enthusiastic about the whole thing. He quit his job at target, and really needs money, so I thought that could or would be a good help, and with adsense, he could get some revenue going. But who knows, he opened a blogger account today, so maybe we'll see something. He is really talented, just bored with the whole computer thing, which is understandable. We've been working at our hotel job about a year and a half and that is all that we do, and he gets bored with the coding and graphics pretty easy, which is also understandable, considering ygr amount of time he used to put in. He is just extremely talented for being self taught, and he doesn't seem like he realizes that.

We're going to the lake tomorrow with Jeremy, it'll be fun.

Bed time.
Long day

This Year So Far

This year so far has been more than anyone should ever have to handle, I've met a lot of amazing people, but also realized how close-minded others are. It's almost heart breaking having to think about how much you want to talk to your family but you know for the better to just let them go because they aren't going to go anything but bring you down. I've been in and out of states, seen a lot, spent more than i should have. I've lived, and learned, and am starting to realize that i am ready to grow up, and i am going to be happy with the person i love regardless of what everyone has to say about it. I even got the blessing from my best friend, which was expected, but i stil needed to hear it. 

I've been thinking about weddings all day, i started watching 27 dresses tonight, and i think that i might have something to do with it. And shane and i have had little stints of conversation about it, it is just overwhelming, even the thought of it, i am ready i know i am, but it is just one of those those things that is always going to put you in the nerve-racking state of mind, i guess the main thought it that he has guy friends, i have girl friends (and my brother), and yea, i am the more femme one, but a female wedding party (along with my brother), seems kinda over the top, but once again, those things are all meaning less. I've also been thinking about the last name thing quite a bit, how would it work, what would we do, just all of the smaller things, someone might look at it as planning, but they are just ideas floating around, keeping my mind off of money, which is slowly getting better, well will be as soon as my fucking stimulus check is here.

Shane is really confused about what to do about target. I would love for him to only have one job, it would mean we get to spend more time together, more time talking, you know the things we both want in our relationship, but we both have a lot of bills that we need to pay, and i know that he is trying to get out of his debt, which i support him in 100% in whatever he chooses to do. I am working full time at the hotel again, which is always a good thing, and i kinda would still like another job, but i am doing fine now, and after september will be able to spend a little bit of money, and i know that september sounds far, but it isn't that bad.

I still haven't heard from my dad, which is kinda worrying me, but i am not going to stress on it, because if something worth me knowing happened i would've heard from someone, and my and Nikki have been playing phone tag, maybe i'll call her tonight, She told me that she has a girlfriend, which is great for her, as long as she is happy.

i know this post has been pretty scatter brained, that's how i've been feeling today, especially since i've gotten to work.

I've been thinking about starting a second blog, to try and get some money rolling in, which might sound stupid, but posting things about anything and everything that i can think of, especially things that are going to bring in a lot of traffic, it would be kinda nice to have to do nothing but type for money, besides the fact the keyboard on my macbook kinda makes my fingers cramp.

maybe another post before bed, i am not going on a walk tonight, even though i really should, i cant till i can get a new pair of shoes, none of mine are in decent enough condition for me to run in, especially if i go the LONG way.

later.

07.03.08

Hm.

I don't really know what to think about today.

It's been weird to say the least. I feel like Shane and I haven't talked much, and we have, we haven't argued, well we did, but it's over and it doesn't really need discussed, at least I think. He's just been in a weird mood, he tells me that everything is fine, and I believe him, he just seems preoccupied or something, I don't know though he just tells me he is okay and it stops there so I am not going to worry about it anymore. I just want this to work so bad, part of me is starting to feel like I might be forcing things, not that I don't wanna be with him, I do, way more than anyone knows, just like I am maybe trying to have everything be perfect all the time instead of just living and spending the time I have with the most amazing boy i've ever met and making memories.

We'll see how things go from here.

Haircut tomorrow, I'll post pictures.

Update #2

Well Shane got home, we slept some. It is nice sleeping next to him, I could do it forever.

We bickered today. He was actually just making sure i'm going in the right direction. Which is good, and I appreciate it, just makes me feel like no one has any faith in me. It kinda hurts but I know that everyone is just looking out for my best interests.

We ate this Chinese food today, it was good but not amazing, I would've rather bought sushi. But we can't afford it, we're really broke, but anyways we got these fortunes, his said something like "you'll be honored by someone who respects you tomorrow" or something on those lines, and mine said something like your loved one or partner will tell you something good, nothing exactly like that, but still rather promising to me. I just hope keeps going like this because we are doing so good right now, I hope it's like this for a long time, I just hope that he understands that I am ready to commit, because I am ready.

We talked about money and school, 2 of my boy so favorite subjects to talk about because I don't really like to stress on them. Starting with my paycheck on the 11th I am putting 250 into my golden one account and then the rest on bills and I am using 500 of my stimulus to me chase card and 100 to Joyce. Not what I wanna do with it, but what I need to do with it. I'm tired of being in debt.

Isaac and I went on a walk tonight, well I did and then Isaac met up with me. But anyways, we talked about money and such, he thinks there is a possibility of Joyce leaving before my birthday, but I don't really see it, she hasn't really done much since i've been back and the stuff that she has done have been small and very sparse. It just makes me nervous even thinking about it because she is all I have right now, and if she leaves it put's me on the street. I wanna have 5000 by my birthday, and I know that is a TON of money to save in 10 months, but it needs to be done, part of me wants to get a car and the other part of me wants to not get a car and move and just use the money to move one and live on and stuff, but idk, it's a big decision and doesn't need to be made till my birthday.

I've been sleeping a lot again when I stay here, too much rather. I'll wake up, and do nothing for a minute and then go to sleep again, finally not getting up till like 12 or so, which is not common for me. It is actually irritating me because it is depressing and makes me upset and sad and blah blah bad moods. Which I don't want and I don't need, i'm trying to not get into that kind of rut right now.

But it's late and such
bed time

Thoughts

I've had quite a bit on my mind lately, a lot of which is good, very good depending on wh you ask. But there are some things that are nagging at me and I have to get them out.

It's a few of his friends, i'm done trying to be nice if i'm just going to be shit on. I haven't done anything to these people to make them not like me, I know i've don't some shitty things to Shane, but from what I can tell he has forgiven me, moved and, and the past is the past so why can't his friends. I try way to hard for my ow good to get along with these people and it just ends up coming back on me making me feel like a waste of time, I don't want that and I don't deserve that kind of treatment from someone who won't try and get to know me outside of a relationship, regardless of what's been done in the relationship. I don't owe them anything, not even an apology because I didn't do tbr fucked up things to them, I did the fucked up things to Shane, he know's i'm sorry, and he know's that things are different this time, at least I hope that he does. Even when I try to carry a conversation with them, be it online or in person, I get this feeling like,"why are you talking to me the only reason I put up with you is because I have to" which is ridiculous because I don't judge you for the stuff you do, because your you and I am me and everyone does things in their own way. So I guess until people can stop being so god damn judgemental, I am not even going to try anymore, it's a waste of my time and energy and it gets really draining.

On a lighter note

Shane and I are doing really good.

We've talked about getting this tattoo together recently, I like the idea, and so does he, but I also agree with him, maybe it's too early, or it is going to be like my septum and something spontaneous that no one is going to expect. I still want me giving tree tattoo. I told Sean about it, and asked him his thoughts about what Jessica said she was going to charge me, he said it's kinda steep and that I should look around. I went home last night to grab some clothes because I stayed with Shane again, and Sean told me that he met this guy at the recycling center who moved here from Ventura who is a tattoo artist, and I guess Sean told him about what Jessica said and the guy said he would charge about 150 or so, i'm kinda tempted, but also scared because everyone says how bad it's going to hurt, and I mean come on there's not much protection on your ribs or anything, so obviously it's going to hurt. I've also been thinking about putting that off for a bit and getting something else first so I know what the needles feel like, and then going from there. But we'll see.

I talked to my mom yesterday, she seems okay, i'm kinda worried about her still. But she sounded happy. I miss her a lot, I wish I could go visit for a bit. But I have things that I need to finish, and a boy here I love, who is going to come with me next time. It's time he meets the family and it's time I get their blessing. I know that everyone else is going to like him, and I know my mom does. I guess the only person that I am kinda worried about is my grandma, she is such a bitch sometimes, it's horrible. But I can't live in the past anymore it's time I let it all go, forgive and forget like some say, and just start making happy memories, memories worth remembering.

:]

Nap time.