Yup.

Things are good, really good. And I have a lot that i've been thinking about, a lot I can't write, and a lot that I won't talk about. Some things are better left alone.

We plan on drinking tonight, something we don't do often, it'll be fun. Besides the part that Shane has to be home at 900, maybe we'll reschedule.

I know this is going to work, things just feel different this time, they feel right, but he still seems preoccupied and distant when I try to talk to him about what's on his mind. I'm not going to stop talking to the friends i've made, and I know that isn't what he is asking, he is asking me to not do it so much, and i'm really trying, i've hardly talked to anyone today, which is better than normal.

I talked to my mom today. It was an intense but short conversation. I told her we got back together, and she didn't really sound happy, so I asked. She said that she just wants me to be happy, and if Shane makes me happy, which he does, then to be with him. She likes him, and she approves, I don't know, I know that she has a lot on her mind and really can't focus on me or Isaac right now, which makes her sound bad, but she isn't, I love her and she is just doing the best she can with the cards that she was dealt.

Time to go
Maybe another update tonight
:]

Today

Well, it happened, we're together again and I am happier than ever. We spent Saturday morning together talking everything through, it went well, and obviously ended on a good note.

I know that a week ago I said that I wasn't ready to commit, but it's time I stop running from everything. I run from every major commitment that I make. I'm scared to go to school, i'm scared of a lot. So if i'm going to commit to something it's time I commit to something/someone that makes me happy. It's time for me to grow up, and it's time for me to start being a man, instead of a little pansy boy who doesn't do anything in order to pace the road for his future.

I went shopping today. It was really hard. His best friend came, which is fine, it's a relationship that i'm willing and going to try to work on, it is just still hard because I feel like I have to fight for his attention, and I don't want that. He told me on the way home that he was uncomfortable all day because he feels like he can't be himself, the person he is around her rather, because he doesn't want me to think that he is stupid. Shane, I will never think your stupid. I know how it is to act different with one friend as opposed to another, and it's nothing to be ashamed of, it is just something your going to have to realize and if the person is wanting you to change a serious friendship like the two of you have, the person isn't worth your time. I will never make, or ask, you to change the way you act because your annoying or bothering me, I will suck it up because I know that things are like that when the tables are turned.

Life's good

And for the first time in a long time

I can say that i'm happy

It's been years since i've been able to say that.

It's bedtime now. Goodnight.

:]

Today

Was a decent day, I got paid, which is always good, I worked, which I could have done without. My job gives me too much time to think, it's depressing. I talked to Meredith about school, which was more of a game with her, she kept naming random things she thinks I should do with the rest of my life. I'm thinking i'm just going to do the same as before, and go on with my RN classes. I talked to Darci today, which was an amazing help, because she is going to nursing school at NYU, and I want to go to an out of state nursing program also. I have a lot of work to do before the first of January. I'm not going to be able to start school till next year, which is ok, gives me time to get on my feet, which is what I need, let's me get a car and a place and get my debt caught up ASAP.

I'm wanting to take Isaac and me out to see mom and everyone for Christmas, it's been years since Isaac has seen them, and my last trip wasn't the greatest because it was full of arguing and such. But what do you expect with someone like my aunt and someone like my grandma trying to get along, it doesn't work, the personalities crash because they are so similar yet so opposite at the same time. We'll see how money works out though.

Hopefully i'm getting my haircut tomorrow, i'm really excited, but I think it's going to be hard to get in for an appointment, because I forgot to make one today :x.

I also took out my septum, it was old and time for a change. I'm wanting something else but I think next it's a tattoo. I've got quite a few things picked out now, just not sure what I want first.

I still haven't told anyone about this blog. Part of me wants to and the other part of my wants to just let it come out when the time is right. And it also seems like I have someone that I confide into without it intentionally getting spread around and causing drama. So if you've stumbled across it, you've just had a look into the small world of what my life consists of, worrying.

But goodnight for now.

christopher.

today.

today was hard, harder than i thought it was going to be. I think i want him back, scratch that, my heart wants hims back, but my head knows better. It hurts, and what hurts even worse are the things he said to me today. But it's obviously over and done with for a reason. 

I am proud of her, she was in a good mood today. She did well, in my opinion, was even better when we hung out after work. We'll just see how it goes though, because i know that those feeling change minute by minute.

Heather and I had a really long talk today, it was nice and full of reality checks, but when your friends with an amazing girl like here, those things tend to happen. She told me i need to get in school, and she is right, i just dont know what i wanna do. I hear from a lot of people to start general, but that isnt the way i think anymore, that isnt how i plan anymore, everything has to be set in stone so i am not the kid at the beginning of the year rushing all of his classes to get in, we'll see. 

but

its bed time again

wow.

Wow. these past few weeks have been a major roller coaster, i know a lot of my friends are surprised by the break up of shane and I. It shouldn't be a surprise, i love the boy, i really do, i am just not ready to settle down, and i am not ready to start planning things for the future, i know that we had talked about some pretty intense things in the beginning of our re-relationship, but i think in our hearts we both know that we moved to fast.

 I am trying to move on, things are going okay, I'm just really worried about a few people who've been really upset lately. I want to be able to help them,  I would love to take all of their problems away, because these people do not deserve the problems that are being thrown at them right now. I am used to being  the person that helps people feel better, and i am trying with these people it is just very hard when they don't want to open up, which is fine with me, just as long as they know i am here whenever they are ready.

School. What a stressful subject; I moved back here, trying to get back into it, and it isn't happening the way i wanted, mainly because i didn't get my financial aid paperwork in on time, and i know there isn't a rush; i am done rushing things, you have forever to do what you want to do, what rush, does that make sense to anyone else? But i found this course at CSU east bay, all online pharmacy tech program, something that has interested me, so i am going to look into it.

I am not going to forget about this blog. It's going to be used, myspace is old.

time for bed now..