Blah

I've been on a club genre kick lately. Which is odd because I can normally not stand it, unless i am at the club. It is relaxing. I've got a lot to do this next month, like a lot. We start working out tomorrow, every other day, I'm ready to be healthier.

I've noticed something, that I ramble a lot. Like, way more than I should, especially in my blog. I can't keep a single subject in on paragraph, and I think that is why I just mash it all together, and don't really show the skill that I have. Like being able to turn a 5 paragraph article into 2 and a half, if you want to call it a talent, I am not good at fluff writing, I am actually horrible at it. Even with this i start to get overly frustrated with myself because I know how to write, but I can't keep my thoughts separate.

I'm going to VEGAS hopefully in the beginning of March. My list of to do's for February is getting kinda big, and not like, I have a lot of things to do, because there are really only 2 things that I NEED to do:

Exercise
Edit pictures, market, arrange sidewalk sale

My roommates mother owns a party store, and has been in our town for about...13 years, so she is a destination. But, as with everyone else, this recession is hurting, and it is hurting everyone, i guess the only place I really don't see it is in my industry. But, back on topic, I am challenging myself to get her more foot traffic, and it is hard to do with no money, but it'll be fun, and it will definitely be a challenge. So, I am up for it.

I want to also start making things brighter for work. I am going to try and bring both business' together. I want to start bringing balloons in to work, like having bouquets dropped off with business cards and such, I hope my manager is up for it.

done

it becomes a part of you

The mid west, it grabs you and never lets you go. I miss it, I do, I miss the weather, yes even the god awful humidity, the snow, everything. But, it just isn't for me. I am watching elizabethtown, and it is bringing back some memories, just makes me miss family.

I have family here, I do. I have my family, and I have Shane's family, but it isn't the same. I've never met anyone quite like my dad's family, they are close. But it is a different kind of close. They can judge blah blah say what they want about the gays, but they still care, and they still know that I am me.

I am not saying that I am just misunderstood, but I feel like I've lost myself in the superficiality that is known as California. Maybe I'm not cut out for it here, but I am not missing the school opportunity that this state has to offer. I've looked around, numerous times, and NO WHERE can you find cheaper community college, or hell, even 4 year. I just don't know what to do with myself.

Waking up, sleeping schedule, and loving myself.

Well, it is 10:15 am, as i start this post. We're supposed to be taking Gretta (my chihuahua) to the vet today so she can get her shots. Surprise, Shane is sleeping and wont get up. I woke him up, then i had to take someone somewhere, and he was up when I got home but "he isn't ready to be awake". For god sake, I could have worked my half shift, I could have gotten the money that we need. I told him all day yesterday that I wanted to be at the vet early, so that we didn't end up having to sit in a hellacious line, but his sleep is more important.

I've asked him numerous times to get on a sleeping schedule, and he says he will, but still isn't in bed by midnight. It is frustrating, he works Wednesdays, Saturdays, and Sundays, and it sucks. I feel like, yet again, excuses are being made as to why he wont look for another job, as to why he isn't doing anything, I just feel like once again, I am being put on the back burner. It isn't fair that I feel like I am raising someone. I feel like my marriage is one sided, and it makes me want to run.

It is obvious, I am severely depressed, and I DO NOT love myself. It sucks, because I can't love anyone, I can barely offer advice to my friends now, because I am so unhappy in my current situation. I've tried everything, and I have no interests, and it sucks. I'm on a semi-consistent work out schedule, so that is something that I can look forward to, along with my computer, and this is going to sound totally pathetic, but is the only place I feel "comfortable". I'm having a really hard time focusing, and not just now, all the time. For instance, I am doing about a million different things while typing this blog. So many, that I've enabled spaces, which i said i wouldn't do, but it clears the clutter, so it is nice. And, right here, is where I lose all interest in finishing this. I'm hoping this St. Johns wort does something, gotta look up side effects because I feel like I just took some adderall.

The things i would like to accomplish

I feel like in recent weeks I've lost all of the things that I want to accomplish. There are a lot, and I know I need to get started, but I feel so lost and stuck. And the things I want to do aren't just materialistic, I want to help people. I really want to help people. I know that my close friends would say that I am a very helpful person and that I would do anything for someone else, but I really want to do something, and more than a random act of kindness, like holding the door or letting someone cross the street, that is actually just being courteous; I want to really help someone.

I've always been, and I don't want to say fascinated, because I don't think that is the right word to use, with The Trevor Project; when I first came across it, I was wanting to get more involved in the LGBT community, wanting to help people who are going through what I've been going through. But I've always wanted to volunteer for The Trevor Project, or the EQCA, or HRC, or somewhere of the likes, but I feel like in all actuality, I don't have any time, when all I have is time. I work a shit job, that will give me a few days if I need it, I have means of transportation, and I feel like all I do is make excuses.

I want to make myself happy, by myself, without any materialist objects; this is the one that would take the longest. I need to be dropped on an island, or put in a cabin in the woods, for one week, by myself. And, that might not necessarily make me happy, but I know that it would definitely make me grateful. And don't get me wrong, I really am grateful for everything I have,like a roof over my head, a solid job, food in my refrigerator, hell even my fridge. But there are days that I still think that isn't enough, and I don't know how to make it stop.

My generation takes quite a bit for granted, and I really need to start working on the things that I am grateful for. My mom, I've talked about her recovery a few times before, has the best advice, but I have the hardest time applying it to my life. This isn't a joke, but I feel like I need to recover, because I am addicted to feeling sad, which, most doctors would call depression, blah blahblah, been there, and I know what needs to be fixed, I just feel like I can't do it on my own.

I want to know how she does it, I want to know how she applies all of the daily information to her life. I am going to ask for her advice today, and see if she can help me with anything. She knows that I am unhappy in my current situation, she just tells me to figure it out, but that is my mom, and that is how she needs to act right now, she doesn't have time, and some people might say she is my mom she has to, but no; she is going through one of the most important changes of her life right now, I can wait.

I've got to get my head on straight. I have to. The talk with my grandma still resonates in my head; I need to see if we (shane and I) are on the same page, and I need to get my life going.

I've got a goal, to be healthy, and this is my last night eating meat.

I can't bare to think of what we do to our animals.

:[

Work, Home...Guess life in general

I had this amazing blog, all written out in my head last night, and then, nothing, so I guess I'll hav to update later.

Rebel Without A Cause

I've never watched "older" films. I am not going to say it is old, because it is color. I am just saying, I've never watched a movie like that. When the actors where "different". I don't know if I can explain what I mean, but it is just different. Part of me wants to say better, and part of me wants to say not so much. I might not be judging this right, even though the last thing i am trying to do is pass judgment. I am just..in awe, that a teen angst movie, movies I have watched since I was younger, could have such an affect on me, when the movie is like, 50 years old, and has the same "I am so alone feeling" as many of the other movies I have watched that are in the same genre, only difference is, the movies I have seen were filmed in the 80's.

I feel like I need to blog, all the time. It seems to be the only thing I can really focus on. Especially when it is for vgnerd.com, because I feel like I have to do good, because I don't only have to do good, I need to do good if it is going to be something I pursue.

done

Typing, work, and who else knows

Well, I am an avid twitter user, as you can see to the right of the screen. I use it all day, everyday, so much that I get yelled at for it. It helps though, helps me process the thoughts that i can't really do anything with, and it lead me to vgnerd via VG_Nerd, which has landed me a blogging, not sure if i can call it a position yet, but hopefully it can turn into one. But I love to type, video games might not be up there in my alley, I'll make it that way though, but the stuff I've typed up so far here and here have seem to come together very nicely. It is fun having something to do, instead of feeling like a waste, yea it has kept me glued to the computer more when I am at home, but hopefully it will pay off.

I love writing, about anything and everything. I didn't used, but something has really sparked an interest in me.

The sound of the dishwasher is very soothing, the constant rythm of the water rushing around is really relaxing. I started working out today, going to try and get on an every other day schedule. We went and looked at this house today with cassandra and her step dad. I like it, but I still want to go to sacramento, we've decided to get one lease under our belt, even though it isn't even a year lease, it'll help with something. i feel like i am rambiling now. Time for bed.

Friends, Work, Spay Day, and moving

An update on my life as a whole, not just my relationship this time. Things are good, we hung out with Justin and Courtney last night. Thing went really well. We also talked to our roommates about is moving out and someone taking our room, that also went well. I have this feeling though they don't want us to leave, because the people in our garage said that they would find a place if that is what is making us uncomfortable. But it isn't, honestly at all.  We are just moving to Sacramento. Davis, is like I said in an earlier post, a bubble. And, I am ready to get out of the bubble. We found this little apartment in the ghetto, it's cute, right in our price range, so no biggie on where it is at, and hopefully by the time we move and get our financial aid we can get in to where we really want to go.

I was supposed to work from 7-11 this morning, but my phone died before I could verify with the girl. And she endedup wanting her 4 hours back, after i gave her 4 of mine, which sucks. But shane ended up being sick. So i guess it is okay, even though now I don't get off until 3. 

I made an appointment for my puppy to get spayed, and checked up and such, at this low income thing coming up next month,  Hopefully we get in. She needs it and we have NO money for a real vet appointment. 

maybe update again later.

(NOGAYS!)

Really though, i was browsing MySpace the other day and came across this guys private profile. And in his headline he had his last name blah blah, and then is said (NO GAYS!). The kid was shirtless in his default, blah blah, average scene kid. But really, you either don't have a picture that might make someone try to request you, or you don't be so hateful. I am sure that your scene ass has messed with plenty of guys, or I am just being stereotypical. I know the scene I was apart of in Indiana had plenty of bi boys, and this kid didn't even live in the midwest, where all hell breaks loose if you are gay, at least it did at my HS. It is just frustrating, I can probably guess correctly that this kid has been hit on by a guy before, and probably gets plenty of gay guys attempting to add him in the first place.But don't be a bigot, there are nicer ways of going about things than being rude.

i guess it is a small rant.

Statting The Obvious, and a few other things to note.

I emailed Shane, and told him the majority of what I need to say. And, I think he knows I still might have more, I am just not sure how to express it. I love him, but I can't really describe how strong the love is...I don't know if this is me, or if it just a cycle that I go through. Because, I know the majority of the time I am always second guessing myself. People say to follow your gut, do the things that is instinct. But, what the majority of people don't understand is for me, running is an instinct. And, not running like exercise, like running from everything that I consider a problem (not saying i consider my marriage a problem). We talked a little bit last night, I feel like our marriage is failing, and part of me wants to end it, and not because I want to sleep around, that is the least of my worries, but because I know that I need to figure my shit out. I need to learn things, I need to learn things about myself. I need to grow up without feeling like I am raising someone else. And that might seem selfish, but I've been selfless for too long, and I need to start looking out for myself, whether that be married, or not, it's time i find out who I am. I guess this all started when i found this article. And, maybe that is what got me thinking, but I still feel like I am in a rut, and I still feel like we are in a rut. Hopefully Shane talks with our roommate today, who almost cried when we said we weren't going to be living in Davis anymore. It is pretty much an old town, with nothing to do, unless your going to UC Davis. This town is a bubble, and once your in it, it's get rich or die trying. I guess the majority of the state is like that.

I guess that is it. I want to go dancing, can't till next week, lame.

It's A beautiful Day In The Neighborhood

It's a good day. I'm kinda tired, I haven't been able to sleep a whole night in a few weeks. I'm not really thinking about much when i wake up, but it is approximately 4:20, and I don't fall back asleep for about an hour. It's exhausting, but I gotta live with it because if I take anything I wont wake up for work.

Things with Shane and I are on the rocks, and not the good way either. I feel like i might be asking too much, but I also know that it is time for me to start taking care of myself. I know that we are married and we know have each other to take care of, but I also feel like i am doing more of the taking care of then he is. I don't really know how to explain it besides saying I feel like I am raising a kid.

We were raised on complete opposite ends of the spectrum, which makes it a little bit more manageable. I started taking care of myself at a younger age, started paying bills at a younger age. And he is opposite; granted he had a job and such, but he only had his gas to pay for. I am not trying to say I am better, just that I feel like I am a little bit more responsible. I guess; a little bit more grown up and mature. And just for clarification, I am not saying I am, what I AM saying is that is how i feel. I feel like this is, not necessarily one sided, but a one and a half sided relationship.

I had a talk with my grandma a few days ago, and she really opened my eyes to a lot of things. I know that I need to get in school, and I couldn't tell you anymore why I am procrastinating. So, I am not anymore. Going next fall, gotta save and get that financial aid.

Ads, and change

I am really broke, like coming up short every month broke, so I am adding ads, maybe it'll help my traffic too? Not that I was wanting to turn this into anything to build traffic off of, but who knows what it might turn into if these ads get somewhere.

It's short, and to the point; the way i am doing things now.

Post 33

I've been listening to this one bright eye's song, The First Day Of My Life, a lot lately. I've considered it one of my favorites for a really long time now, but I never listened to the lyrics, I just heard them and repeated them. They are as follows:
This is the first day of my life
Swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain, suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours was the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been
But I know where I want to go

So I thought I'd let you know
That these things take forever, I am especially slow
But I realized how I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

I remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange, you said everything changed
You felt as if you just woke up

And you said,
"This is the first day of my life.
Glad I didn't die before i met you.
Now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you.
And I'd probably be happy."

So if you want to be with me
With these things there's no telling,
We'll just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery

Besides, maybe this time is different
I mean, I really think you like me

there are a few versus of this song, that i would like to go into detail about.

"So I thought I'd let you know
That these things take forever, I am especially slow
But I realized how I need you
And I wondered if I could come home"

Shane, this explains everything, these few little lines, really explain a lot, especially how i was feeling when i was gone, I just want you to know that. I love you.

"And you said,
"This is the first day of my life.
Glad I didn't die before i met you.
Now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you.
And I'd probably be happy.""

Megan and Heather (and all of my other close friends), these words are to you. You have all made such an impact on my life; we've helped each other through thick and thin, it is almost like "'till death do us part". I want you guys to remember I'll always be there for you, no matter what.

I feel like I don't give my friends enough attention. I know it is hard when you have friends all over the country, but now that is me making excuses, all of my friends text, with the exception of Megan, and the majority of the people i need to keep in contact with have phone numbers, and email; looks like I've got some dialing to do.