I Think I Am Going Blind.

Don't anyone freak out, I'm not talking in a literal sense, but blind with desperation. I've lost sight of it all and I feel like I'm just getting deeper and deeper in a black pit of nothingness. I have nothing going for me, I feel worthless, and that I'm not here to make any sort of difference. I'm not thinking suicide, definitely not, just really bummed out.

Shane and I have stopped arguing, which is good. He asks me to stop blogging about how we argue so much, and I know that I should because I respect him, but this is my only out, and it isn't going to stop. I'm sorry.

I applied for a few jobs today. At some grocery stores, and then blockbuster. Cassandra and Jose wonder why I would want to work somewhere that is ran like a piece, but, oh well. I don't want Shane to feel like he has to work his ass off because I did for so long while he was working 3 days a week. I'm hoping something will come up, and if not, I GIVE UP. I had originally decided to not look for another job, after discussing this with Shane, because I'm not a quitter, I don't want to look for another job, get one, and then when fall semester rolls around (it seems far, but in all honesty, it's coming sooner than most think) have to quit. Bot who knows, maybe hopefully something will turn up, and take me on to bigger and better things/places, unlike this dead end job.

I'm going to start being more positive. I have to be, not just for me, but for everyone else, and my health. I'm back to wanting to sleep all the time. I thought the three of us were on a work out schedule, and then...NAHT! It's frustrating, I'm going to work out regardless.


goodnight.
Better Days Lie Ahead

wow...

it is thanksgiving

and I can not believe it.

I'm still torn on phone's, I guess it is just a never ending story, and if I want something I like, I'm going to have to manufacture it myself (that'll be the day).

this is a useless update

happy thanksgiving

no one that reads this.

I feel the storm coming.

We went to Verizon last night to look at the blackberry storm, and let me tell you, that is one beast of a phone, in a good way. It is awesome, I love the screen "button", it is just a good phone all around, besides the lag, which i REALLY noticed on the display model, but most reviews and opinions have been saying the storms they are using aren't that bad.

I just don't know if I could do without the full keyboard for 2 years, which is my only worry about going to Verizon, no sim card=lamelicious.

I'm kind of upset and confused, and not sure what other feelings, about this wal mart thing with Shane's brother. I don't know, or I don't feel comfortable rather, working at a place that has been pointed out by Equality California to discriminate, or to tolerate against, sexual orientation discrimination. I don't even want another job, but I feel like to get the things that I want to get then I need to get one. I am ready to start school, and I am ready to have my financial aid to rely on in the event of an emergency, if there is any money left from school, because I plan on working full time and going full time, hopefully I can handle it.

I just set up my Comcast, this no internet at my house is bullshit, so I just did it. oh well, sure I'll hear it eventually, and scored a deal of $33 a month for 12 months, with a $50 install fee. rather than 50 a month and 100 install fee, but whatever.

I have been drawing a lot of blanks lately. Like in the middle of writing, sitting at work, trying to say things, and nothing will just come out, it sucks. You can see the look on my face like I was going to say something, and I won't really know what to say or anything.

I don't know what to do

It hurts when you are 100% honest with someone and they still don't believe you. I might not be thinking this al the way through, or maybe I just look at relationships differently, assuming it is the latter of the two or a mixture of both, but it sucks. 

I have a twitter, he doesn't like it, because the people i follow and vice-versa are guys, and guys that i would A) never think about doing anything with, and B) the majority of them live out of state, and C) am in love and married so there is nothing to be worried about.

Today has been the day from HELL, all that has happened, is argue argue argue, look at dogs, argue argue argue, and then pack the car, argue argue argue, GOD!

I don't regret anything from this day though, everything that i said and everything that i have done have ment something and that is what I am doing, starting to mean something starting to stick up for myself when i see fit how i see fit. A lot of people are like, wow that is kinda rude, well I'm sorry but I have spent too much of my life being walked on and not sticking up for myself.

Nothing is being changed on my twitter, and that is that, I am not talking to any other guys and I am not doing anything bad, my life is 100% public, and a lot of people should know that by now. 

new subject

We found a dog, it is a chihuahua terrier mix, and I like her, there is just something about her that I can't put my finger on. We're getting her, I let Shane, I told him that he could pick the dog, so he picked it. 

I need a new pair of pants. I have like 3 pair, a pair from AE, levis, a black pair...and I think that is it, all of my other jeans are too small, too old, or just time to retire them. There is a Rocky marathon on TV now, kinda dumb. I watched this movie called Garden Party if you havent heard of it, you should check it out. I hadn't heard of it until a twitter/youtube friend had been talking about it, and I decided to check it out, it is really good. It's a few stories rolled into one, but just watch it.

refering to an older post, i think.

I said that I had let go of a lot of regrets, I lied I'm sorry. I thought I did, but unfortunately i didn't. So they are going to be posted, out in the open for everyone to see, with explanations,

1. I wish I had been honest with my father.

-i wish i had been honest with him, honest about being gay, honest about the billy situation, honest about not wanting to live there, honest about it all. I never used to understand it but, Honesty really is the best policy.

2. I wis I would have spent more time.

-This is one of the regrets that everyone has, but I wish I could have spent more time with him before he passed. I was too selfish and didn't tale him to the ocean like he wanted, didn't really do anything after I moved out, hell after I got a job. It isn't like i was working a lot at that job, I just stopped, which is not fair. I feel like i never got to say goodbye to him the way i should have, and I feel like I never really mourned on it. I know that is what he would have wanted, just to continue, not like nothing happened, but I guess i don'

t know how to explain it, but if you have been in a similar situation, I'm sure you understand.

3. Did better in High School

-I slaked and was lazy, and took advantage of everyone that I could. And to you, I apologize. It wasn't right, and it sure in hell wasn't fair. I know that I can't go back and do it over, I just needed to get it out.

I guess I should need to stop because this isn't going to do anything but make me feel bad about myself, and that isn't what I need right now.

I feel like this blog is turning into a festering abyss of sorrow-hunting and complaining. 

done

maybe the last

I never really looked at it like that before

When you uncomfortable in a situation, you either run from it, or you deal with it. Unfortunately, myself, I run from it, I don't physically leave the situation, but I lock up. I don't speak, I don't really look at anyone, I just sit, and my mind still goes about a million miles a minute, that's inevitable for me, but I don't say anything, I don't move, and the anxiety kicks in. Most people would say that would be being shy, but i was reading this blog today, and it talked about how when we, as a human population, put ourselves in an uncomfortable position and we don't act as i do, we are evolving, and turning into something else. It seems like a very basic concept, but to someone like me, who has the hardest time meeting people and an even harder time being in uncomfortable situations, it proposes (not sure if that is the right context) a new challenge.

So that is what I am going to do, and i know that this is like a re-write of a previous post, when I get uncomfortable, I am not going to lock up, I need to force myself to get out there. I need to start making the right steps to help me make advances in my career, and getting myself the skills to make myself more approachable, in the professional sense.

On a side-note, the  CD, is Beyoncé SHIT. I really like it, a lot, go get it. That means Heather, because I think she is the only one who really reads this.

but going to attempt to work now.

<3

It Is The Nineteenth Of November Two Thousand Eight

And, I can't fucking believe it. This year is almost over, and now is about the time i start to get down own myself, which is opposite of what needs to be done during the holiday's. But it always make me think about how I haven't done anything very productive for the past year; yea, I've done some amazing things, I moved across country 2 times in a three month period, got married, bought a car, and managed to get myself in more debt than i could manage. But I, once again, didn't do the one thing that I wanted to; I am still not in school. But I guess that gets chalked up to, once again, me being passive aggressive, and not knowing how to listen to myself before I listen to anyone else. This isn't a searching for sympathy blog, it is just a blog, where I talk about things that are on my mind, and have the freedom to speak how I want without offending anyone.

...I'm sitting at work, and it is now 8:52, I've been flipping through my numerous open tabs, reading about the ships in the gulf of Aden, which is a blast let me tell you, and looking at phones, which is no surprise, and wanting a puppy. My mind is all over the place, once again, there is no surprise there. I'm tired, and the Burger King i got for breakfast is making my stomach hurt.

I'm still currently looking for a second job. Cassandra doesn't understand why I want one, but it isn't really a want anymore; it is almost a need. Shane and I have a lot of debt, and it isn't very good. We need to get our car paid off early; and I know that this is selfish, but I want my mother fucking G1 god damn it. I feel like i wait for EVERYTHING, and it just isn't fair. And an off topic note, I didn't know, and this might seem like a shock, that you were able to make text bigger or smaller in Firefox using the ctrl command, like one a mac, ha. Shows how much i use windows. Back to topic, I just don't know where to apply, granted I haven't honestly put forth any effort, but I really need to start, Shane found a job in like a day, and I know that I could if I really wanted to, just once again, laziness. Man, I am really seeing a lot of repetitive qualities that I dislike, time for a self-image makeover.

So I have a goal for myself, to find a job in 3 weeks, and if nothing there is nothing, but something needs to be found.

That is kinda ridiculous, it took me an hour and a half to post this entry, and it isn't even long.

breaktheillusion.com

I am subscribed to Davey Wavey on youtube, his videos are different, needless to say, and I started reading his blog, partly on my own, and partly because of my good friend Steven, you may recognize the name from a previous blog. But enough about that.

While reading Davey's blog today, looking for a picture of his hair for holly because I need a cut (even though it is basically the hair I have now, just shorter) I found this post. READ IT.

It is very inspirational, and definitely understandable (if that is the right word).

It talks about how he was eating an apple and bit too far and a seed popped out and that seed has infinite power, to understand you have to read the blog. He goes on to explain that daily people everywhere are changing the world because of the decisions they make, the things that they do, and the thoughts they create. I never really thought of it that way before, but it is really true. And, I guess finding that blog came at the right time, because I've started to feel pretty useless lately. And some might say I've been looking for sympathy, maybe they are right, maybe I've just been in a rut. But to be reminded, by a complete stranger, who lives across the country in Canada, was nice.

I'm not looking for sympathy, and I am definitely not looking for really anything. Just needed to realize that even though I might be starting late, I can still make a difference with a little it of guidance.

:]

Jobs, Dogs, Money, and phones

Shane got a second job, I am really happy. We need it, and hopefully he can get out of this hotel hell hole. We argued today, but it is over with, things are going fine. He and Cassandra are looking at dogs, whichis exciting, It would be nice if they could come home with a puppy. We don't move in for another 3 weeks, which is frustrating, but there isn't anything that we can do.

For those of you that know us, then you know, we last about a month without the internet on our phones, which might sound extreme, but until the FCC gets that nationwide free wifi up, it is a bit of a necessity. He called me today and asked me about driving directions, pain in the ass, texting Google (466453) for phone numbers only works for so long, and i know that you can get a lot of good useful information out of it, but it is just a hassle sometimes.

we have some extra money this time, which is very useful, but i said it would be wiser to hold it for extra and bills and such. even though i was trying to talk him into me getting my G1 (anyone wanna donate any money?) but i got shot down before i could even bring it up, because we dont have that much extra cash...

but
thats it
trying to get off of work early
because i am sicky sick

I Don't know What To Do

We got that duplex, and we can't afford it, I knew we couldn't afford it from the beginning, and had voiced my opinion on it, from the beginning. And now that it is becoming a realization, it seems like everyone is frustrated with me. I might not be disappointed, I mean I am of course I am, but I might not be that upset about the situation because maybe this just isn't meant to be, which is really unfortunate because I want to be back on my own more than anyone knows. Shane and I know that we could find a job, we just don't exactly know how long it's going to take, and Cassandra is having to put a LOT of money in this first part, there is  chance that we can wait but then that stupid asian girl will get the duplex, which is inconvenient for us. And I guess that I am being too rude, when I am not doing anything different than I normally do, and saying things that i haven't already said about this situation. I am going to duramed and McDonald's and a few other places today, it is just such a time crunch.

blah

we'll see what happens

I need a camera

Once i get a camera, and my computer back I'm going to do a day in the life. There are some of you, I don't know if anyone really see's this, but I'm going to do a day in the life post. I've changed a lot, grown up a lot, and would like to show people who would like to know what it is like in a day in the life, of just_christopher

Evaluations, Money, Writing, Frustration and indie music

I need money, and I either need a second job, or a promotion. I have my evaluation on monday, and I am betting I can guest what is going to be said. "You don't wear your complete uniform, blah blah blah." I am getting really tired of her false statements, they aren't false accusations, because I don't wear my work shoes. Which is crap, especially if they take the chairs away, like they are threatening, because my work shoes are very uncomfortable. I wanna use this, or another, blog to make money, I'm considering ad sense, but I have to work on my key-wording and such, and grammar skills, so who knows. But, back to my job and evaluation, I don't know what to do, I am really torn and stuck on if i should help her out and offer suggestions on things that i think she can be doing better, or just start being like everyone else and caring less, which is the really hard part. I enjoy my job, and the company could be worse. I am going to talk to her about a promotion, because she obviously doesn't care, or doesn't want to make the time needed for this job, which is understandable, she has a baby, and a family, and a wedding to plan and everything...so hopefully it will go okay. Because I am more available than anyone else that works here, I just don't understand why she doesn't want to give me anymore responsibility, I keep this place on lock, for the majority of the time, and am even willing to come in when i can to help people with problems that arise, considering all of our managers live in sacramento, so it takes them at least 15 minutes to get here, and that is if they are really leaving when they say.

I need want to work on my writing skills, I would love to become a full time blogger while working at this job, it would be pretty sweeeet. But who knows how that is going to work out, I know for sure that i am going to get either an associates or 60 credits to transfer to a four year, probably sac state, so I'm going to brush up on my english and math, of course they are needed for an associates. 

I am really frustrated right now, it might be because I only slept like 3 hours last night, but it is also partly because I've been wanting to talk to shane, and I know that Tawny is there, not that it isn't okay, and some people are going to look at this like I am jealous, but i am not, but don't tell me your busy and hang up, it makes me feel second. Or don't not sounds busy and be short with me, I haven't done anything.

I've grown pretty fond of "indie" music, and I guess it might just be mainstream "indie" but it is really good, at least I think, but not many other people do. Here are my top fav songs atm, in no particular order

The Postal Service: The District Sleeps Alone Tonight

Mae: Suspension

Lovedrug: Down Towards The Healing

The Ting Ting's: Great DJ

Ingrid Michealson: DIe Alone

and i don't like it because i can relate, because I am currently really happy and content with the way things are going irl, i like it because it has substance and it is different than what we normally listen to.

I'm out, spread the word.

a house, a job, and god knows what else

well Shane, Cassandra and I found a place, it is super cute and it is decently priced, we just have to find, like the title says, another job. I am clean now, so hopefully wal mart will follow through; it is an overnight stock position, which should pay better than the shit hole that I am in right now. 

The list of things that I want to do is getting bigger, and I am just standing still. I told Shane that i was going to go to school this semester, he looked at me and said something along the lines of how we have no money and he doesn't know I am going to pull it off. Cassandra was sitting there, I don't think she was expecting me to want to say anything, because before I could open my mouth, she was saying something like, well it's good that your doing something because you need to do something for yourself. I could tell the phrase hurt shane, but for some reason all I could really do was just say, if i don't start now then i am not going to start at all. So hopefully soon, like this week or next (if we aren't moving) Cassandra and I are going to go and take our assessment tests for school, because I am also going to be going full time throughout summer and the rest of next year. For what? I have no clue yet, but it is time that i find something, or at least get my ass going. 

I talked to Steven tonight, it was nice, I miss him, and I really regret not getting to see him before he went back to oregon. I applied at gap, man my blogs are never consistent, and i need to go and talk to the hiring manager there, i just have been procrastinating.

I am going to start learning coding, I've wanted to for a while, so we'll see how it turns out

later

I'm going public

With this blog.

Well, well, well...proposition 8, it passed, which in my opinion is the biggest load of bull shit ever. HELLO, has anyone heard of Martin Luther King Jr.? Did he not do anything for african americans and minorities? Why is it okay to be discriminated against when the homosexual community, thats where i get stuck i never know which is politically correct, just pretty much minds itself, we don't touch your children; and believe me, I have heard some ridiculous excuses from people who voted yes on 8, we aren't going to change your marriage, we're not going to take over the world yet just kidding,  we aren't going to come to your non-supporting church to attempt to change your religion, and same-sex marriage would definitely not be taught in schools; which is one of the main arguments in favor of proposition 8. It just seems very ridiculous that in this day and age, and in one of the most diverse states in the country, the thought of a same sex couple really disgusts offends that many people, as i just stated, we (and by we i speak for shane and I) aren't hurting anyone by loving one another, as is the same for the majority of other same-sex couples. It got bad, the fight against this proposition did. There was one night that Shane and I were at KFC because I had been wanting some fried chicken, and a christian, I am assuming, who I saw had a yes n 8 sticker on their car, and also had a young child with them, this is the part that really frustrates me about the whole situation. They started to pray, whatever to each his own, and then Shane looks at me, and is like, "I wanna go and tell them that their daughter is going to be a lesbian".I let it go, I didn't want to argue, but really, by doing anything like that it isn't going to help any situation and make the gay community look bad, end definitely not make them even consider changing their vote. Whatever, it was a while ago, I just had to get it off of my chest. Oh, and when we first got to KFC there was this car full of kids, ghetto, and they were totally glaring at us the whole time, while I had to wait forever for them to get out of their car, and I waited, and waited, and waited,  and they finally left, and as i was leaving they yelled out the window, "you guys look like you'd vote no on prop 8." Really, really now, don't waste your breath on an insult if it isn't going to sting. But enough about this.

I am going to start school this semester, I have to, it isn't fair to me anymore and it is something that needs to be done. Regardless of what Shane says, I am starting and I can't put it to the back burner anymore, it isn't fair to me, which I've come to realize happens more often than not.

Maybe something good will come out of me posting this link. Like a job, yeah right, I don't have the writing skills for that one.

what to do what to do

I am stuck at a crossroads. Sitting here waiting and not sure what to do, and what is even harder, is that I've lost the urge to find a different job. It is just so depressing when you apply everywhere, and then you never get anything back. I've been watching a lot of you tube, specifically the 5awesomegays channel, and it has kinda got me ready to not be such a pussy, to not be so shy. To be able to make something of myself regardless of what is going on in my personal life. I am really lonely, and it seems like it is getting worse day by day, i know i have people, and i know that Shane and i are doing fine, it is just really hard because I feel like I have no one to talk to, which again i know i do and i know that i am supposed to talk to Shane, i just a) haven't had much to say or b) he gets tired of hearing me complain so i feel like he isn't there for me 100%, and I am going to sidetrack for a second, I am considering getting a t-mobile G1, because it is a pretty nice phone, but i was just reading this article and here is part of the intro on the person that wrote it "Having bought more than 15 cellphones over the last 2 years, some might consider her (the reviewer) a cellphone addict, but others, like us, believe that she can compare the value of a cellphone to the user much better than most of us and her opinion on a new cell phone certainly carries weight" WTF!!! since Early November of 2006 I have had 4 blackberry pearls, a juke, an enV, a palm centro, a glyde, a voyager, an iphone, 2 rizrs, 3 sidekick 3's, a sidekick lx, a sony ericsson TM506, a nokia 5310, a blackberry curve, a lg rumor, and there are probably more, and i have spent well over $3000 on phones, but i cant even get a job at a fucking cell phone company, WTF! i guess this even ties together because, i am too shy and have a really hard time in interviews regardless of the job. I don't know what to do with school, i know that i need to go, but with proposition 8 passing, which don't even get me started on that, Shane wants to move, because there is a possibility our marriage is going to be null and void, but sorry, I am not moving again, not until i have my 60 credits. 

now that i am done venting at the moment, maybe more later.