Update

It is time for change, even though I am very happy with the header that I have now, it is time to move on. I've been bitten by the design bug again. I go through this every so often, but now I am seriously interested. I am trying to train my eye better (art class was a long time ago) and have started with some very general tutorials and such. It wont hurt anything to practice. I am thinking about running to Barnes and Noble today with the gift card that my grandma got my for my birthday. Not sure what kind of book i am getting, but I am pretty sure it'll be reference book of some sort. Too bad they don't sell ram there, my poor little computer needs some.

that is it for now, updating the layout.

overwhelmed

I am overwhelmed. I have so much BULL SHIT going on everywhere else around me. I am on my 9th day of work without a day off, NO IT IS NOT OVERTIME! It is shitty, but i am trying my hardest to not complain about it, that much. But i am about to freak out on someone.

I am doing a training manual at work. I've been steadily working on it for about 2 weeks now. I feel bad because my manager said that she didn't want it to take a month, but that is what it looks like is going to happen. Part of me says that I am going too far into detail, and then the other part of me KNOWS that i need to go into this much detail because I've trained and I know how lazy people can get at this job. I am thinking that I am almost done. I sent an unfinished rough draft to management so that they could look it over, but not claim the work as their own. It is just getting stressful

The website for the party store is getting out of control. We were eating dinner last night, my roommate and her parents (the owners of the party store) and for some reason everyone kept saying and keeps saying they are waiting on me to be done with my work stuff to do this project. I appreciate the concern. but to be honest, I AM THE ONLY ONE DOING ANYTHING. I have edited well over 150 pictures, which doenst sound like a lot, but it is. the 3 of us have a total of 6GB of pictures left to edit, so needless to say, I CAN NOT DO THEM ALL BY MY DAMN SELF. Stop saying that I have to do them all, stop saying you are waiting on me to finish something when there are people who arent doing anything with the any of it, stop saying things are my fucking fault when other people have NOTHING going on in their life and are too fucking lazy to do anything.

I am sick and FUCKING tired of always having some much god damn shit to do. Tawny is right, I am going to have a fucking melt down. I have dinner with my grandma tonight and I don't want to go any more, I just want to FUCKING SLEEP!!!


i guess i'll update whenever i have time

IN A MILLION YEARS!!!

I have an Idea.

"A flash mob (or flashmob) is a large group of people who assemble suddenly in a public place, perform an unusual action for a brief time, then quickly disperse. The term flash mob is generally applied only to gatherings organized via social media or viral emails, rather than those organized by public relations firms or for a publicity stunt."-via wikipedia

I was watching some Improv Everywhere (if you haven't heard of them check it on youtube) and, I've decided that I want to arrange something. But i want it to be original. I was considering invading the local ikea, and doing something that involved the furniture, but then I feel like i would be copying the improv everywhere guys, who did something like that at a russian shop.






I want some ideas for the area, sacramento preferably. and once we come up with something good, we'll arrange the details.

thanks

:]

What am I missing.

I feel like I am missing something. I am going to go into the history of my relationship, because it has been eating at me recently. I graduated high school in June of 2006, right on schedule, and then, as i had told myself all the times prior, I moved out of my dad's (in indiana) and back to my grandparents in CA, by the end of july. I know that I hurt a lot of people in the process, and I know that it was a selfish move. But after being so selfless, what's a boy to do? I have to do something for myself. Anyways. I moved out here en of july, and started hanging out with Mike, Anena, Austin and Lanie, we were always together, and were always doing things. It was a lot of fun, I miss them. One night, it was just Anena and I, we went to starbucks to meet alex connors, and Shane was there. Shane and I had originally met on myspace, thanks to a dear friend named Lena; but Shane was there, it was awkward, and that was about it, no other conversation than me introducing myself, and him recognizing me from myspace. Then the next weekend, maybe 2, there was a party at Cassidy's, a friend of everyone else's, and I went along, I needed to meet more people, get out more, and Shane was there. Shane and I had started to text, a lot. I was with mike and Austin one night, and we stayed at Mikes house, and after walking about 2 miles, shane and I had learned a lot about each other. But there was a party at Cassidy's, and I went, and shane was there. I took some riddlin, this was before I started drinking. But the riddlin ended up making me really sick. So, i vomited, and then Shane's ecstasy started to kick in, and everything was fine after that. I had to drive shane's car to go pick up, and take TJ (not much known about him) home later that night. After that, we went to our prospective homes, for some reason I think we were with each other at each of our houses, and then hung out later that day again, with cassidy, and her boyfriend at the time chris. Shortly after that happened Shane and I decided to get together, and things were good, pretty good, as they normally are in the beginning of a relationship. After about, I want to stay, 3 months, we started to argue, and things just hit the fan from there, we broke up off and on, moved in with cassidy, moved out of cassidy's, got our wn apartment, argued more, subleased our apartment, and moved in with my grandma, things were fine there, and then I cheated. Not physically, but emotionally, there was a boy on myspace, and it got intense, i guess if things like that can, and it created a mess of problems for shane and i, of course, and then we broke up. I think, if I am remembering correctly, that this now puts us in October of 2007, so Shane and I had made it passed a year, But then we broke up, for a while, got together again, I think the longest was about 2 weeks, between there and January. And then, we both stopped talking to each other, for the most part, which is easier said than done, because we work at the same place. I moved back to Indiana in February of 2008, my grandma was really sick in the hospital, and I had some lose ends that I had to tie up. So I went, and things were okay there, I didn't talk to shane for about 2 months, even thought i thought about the boy like crazy. We started talking again in May, maybe end of April, and that is that. NOT. I moved back to CA the last week in may, thank god i was able to get my old job back. But I moved back, and Shane and I got together a few days after that, but something was still nagging at me, I told him I wasn't ready for a serious relationship again, Shane was my first LT real boyfriend. So, that was that. And to be 100% honest, I was really happy for the few weeks Shane and I were apart this last time. I hung out with Christian ( an old friend who no longer talks to me) every night after work, I was working 3-11 5 days a week at the time, so we mingled with the people that were out that late. Davis is a college town, so the busiest nights are thursday-sunday. But we walked, looked at boys, I almost met a few, I say almost because there was definitely eye contact, and definitely a pause after we passed each other. But i was always too nervous to say anything to them, and still haven't been able to overcome the fear of OMG, what if I am a fool, or worse what if they are straight (i have horrible gaydar). But then, somehow Shane and I ended up back together, and he said "let's get married" because this was before the LGBT community of CA was below chickens, and we are caught up to today, Shane and I are married. BUT i always feel like I am missing something, not that i want to go out and sleep around, but i feel like maybe it wasnt right? does this make sense?

Untitled

I haven't updated in a while. So I'll just start with what is happeneing in my life. I went to Las Vegas about 3 weeks ago, and had the time of my life (even though I am not 21). I don't gamble much, as there is an 18+ casino driving distance from me, it was just amazing to see everything. And, it'll definitely have a different light on it when we go back for Cassandra's birthday in a few years.

There is a new position opening at work, Group Reservations, with a few other responsibilities. We had to write "letters of intent", i don't know what else to call it, about why we think we would be good for the position and blah blah. Mine was fine, nothing to hot home about, but we will have to see, as I have my interview with my manager, and will find out by Friday.

I just had a really good conversation with a coworker. She moved here from England about 3 months ago, and is on her way home, as of next week. I feel so bad listening to her talk about how much hurt she has and everything that they are going through. I understand completely, as I have moved across country more time than someone should have to. I know what she is going through and I just wish that I could help her out.

Who knows how things are going to be going for everyone though, right? With the way the world is going now, who knows where anyone will be in the next 5 years.

I have one confession

I miss being single. Not because I want to date, because that isn't me, but I feel like I am bring depended on too much. I didn't get married to raise someone, and I didn't get married to become a parent. I understand sacrifices have to be made, but sometimes I feel like I am being taken advantage of.

I love you Shane, I'm just slipping.

Straightforward

It's been a while, but not much has changed.

I've just got one things to say on this post.

I am going to be straightforward with everything especially my feelings.
i am not getting walked on
anymore

bitch.

I'm a mess, I'm a wreck, I'm perfect and I've learned to accept.

If I've not mentioned it prior, Motion City is one of my favorite bands. But, that isn't what this blog is about. It is a rant. So, if you're sick of my complaining I'd understand.

I am all of those things listed above. I am in a rut, and I keep going deeper. I feel like I don't get help with anything, literally nothing. And, I am kinda tired of wasting my breath repeating myself.

It really hit me a few days ago, Sunday actually. We were out late Saturday night, about 4 am late, when we all (Shane, Justin, Cassandra, Mike, and myself) all knew that Shane had to be up early. We were in the city, and didn't really care when we went home, because we knew that Shane had to work early. He said that he could care less about what time he got home because he hadn't pulled an all nighter in a while. We all tried to talk him out of it, and kept reminding him that it wasn't a big deal and we understood, as it was already 11, and we had to drive to Davis, and Sacramento. He just kept saying it wasn't a big deal, so we all dropped it. The trip in itself was a blast, I wish we went to the city more.

We didn't get home 'till about 4 am, as stated above, and Shane had to be up at 6 for work. He only worked one day this week. Which was Sunday, because he didn't feel good on Wednesday, and he didn't work on Saturday, not really for much of a reason, and then got off at 9 am on Sunday. And I understand, we were out late that night, super late. But I would've just tried, and stayed at work the whole time, especially because he only works 3 days a week. I feel like all I do is repeat myself.

We've been talking about moving to Sacramento again, we need to, not really a need, but we HAVE to. With Shane taking his cosmetology, and both of us being in school full time, it would be stupid for us to not.

We have a lot that we both need to talk about. Like, a lot.
let's hope i can speak up soon.

or I'm going to break.

A FIsh Out Of Water

I've been starting to get in that uncomfortable spot again at my house, and it really hit me yesterday, when I realized that I am treated differently no matter where I go. And, it might just be me over thinking the situation, but if there is something that I do that you don't like, or something about me that you don't like, please tell me. Not so I can fix it, but so I know why I am treated like this. I feel like part of me is stuck in that awkward teenager stage where everyone is against you. And I know that is just a mixture of the anxiety and depression, these medicine aren't helping, they were but now I feel like i've plateaued. No, not even plateaued, fell again, I was in one of those moods yesterday, and Shane knew it. He kept asking me what was wrong, and there wasn't anything wrong, I just didn't, and still don't, feel comfortable in my own skin.

I guess it really hit me yesterday, when I was talking to my roommates mom. No one thinks I am a good driver, and I am not saying i am the best, but I am sure in hell not saying I am the worst, hell she's only ridden with me once, I think. I asked if i could borrow one of their cars, you know because they have 2, and are most definitely in over their heads, and she didn't even acknowledged that i needed a ride or anything, just started talking about something fucking random. I am pissed, not really pissed, but uncomfortable, and I don't wan to live with them anymore, like at all. I know that the smart thing to do is live with them, so that we can have cheap rent, but is sacrificing my comfort, and happiness really worth the $300?

I even brought it up to Shane again last night while we were leaving Hamburger Patties last night. And, he just said that it was all to save money and to be able to make our trips, and or trips are before our real lease is even over. I guess it is time we really sit down and talk about it, especially if he is going to be doing school and everything.


who knows.

Dressing Up To Dress Down?

I'm obsessed with sophisticated dress. Okay, I don't know if it can be called an obsession, but I love it. A shirt and tie with a nice pair of pants has to be one of my most favorite things to wear. But, honestly, I only wear it once, maybe two times a month. I have a hard time "dressing up" when no one else around me will. Shane and I were talking the other day, as i was wearing a really cute sweater with a new polo, and I told him that it bothers me that I am the only one who tries to present myself better, not bothers me as much as it makes me uncomfortable looking spiffy when no one else does. His response was very general, and it got me thinking, he said "You always say that you like to dress like that, but then you say it is uncomfortable, when in all actuality it is everyone else that your making 'uncomfortable' because we feel like we have to present ourselves better." And, I know that doesn't say don't dress how you want, in fact that tells me to do it more. And not because I want to make anyone uncomfortable, but if I like it as much as I say I do, then why does it matter how it makes anyone else feel, if it makes me feel better about myself, and gives me a bit more of a backbone, then go for it. 

I am not sure if that last sentence really makes sense, but if you can't tell from reading this, which as of right now I think there are maybe like 2 people, I have self esteem issues. I'm working on them, well trying at least, and things have been getting better;  I just feel so good about myself when I "dress up" even though I wouldn't really call it 100% dressing up. 

Here is where I start, black button down, cute purple tie,  and nice jeans.

now to get a cardigan, and a new black sweater.

here is my ideal outfit: 

Blah

I've been on a club genre kick lately. Which is odd because I can normally not stand it, unless i am at the club. It is relaxing. I've got a lot to do this next month, like a lot. We start working out tomorrow, every other day, I'm ready to be healthier.

I've noticed something, that I ramble a lot. Like, way more than I should, especially in my blog. I can't keep a single subject in on paragraph, and I think that is why I just mash it all together, and don't really show the skill that I have. Like being able to turn a 5 paragraph article into 2 and a half, if you want to call it a talent, I am not good at fluff writing, I am actually horrible at it. Even with this i start to get overly frustrated with myself because I know how to write, but I can't keep my thoughts separate.

I'm going to VEGAS hopefully in the beginning of March. My list of to do's for February is getting kinda big, and not like, I have a lot of things to do, because there are really only 2 things that I NEED to do:

Exercise
Edit pictures, market, arrange sidewalk sale

My roommates mother owns a party store, and has been in our town for about...13 years, so she is a destination. But, as with everyone else, this recession is hurting, and it is hurting everyone, i guess the only place I really don't see it is in my industry. But, back on topic, I am challenging myself to get her more foot traffic, and it is hard to do with no money, but it'll be fun, and it will definitely be a challenge. So, I am up for it.

I want to also start making things brighter for work. I am going to try and bring both business' together. I want to start bringing balloons in to work, like having bouquets dropped off with business cards and such, I hope my manager is up for it.

done

it becomes a part of you

The mid west, it grabs you and never lets you go. I miss it, I do, I miss the weather, yes even the god awful humidity, the snow, everything. But, it just isn't for me. I am watching elizabethtown, and it is bringing back some memories, just makes me miss family.

I have family here, I do. I have my family, and I have Shane's family, but it isn't the same. I've never met anyone quite like my dad's family, they are close. But it is a different kind of close. They can judge blah blah say what they want about the gays, but they still care, and they still know that I am me.

I am not saying that I am just misunderstood, but I feel like I've lost myself in the superficiality that is known as California. Maybe I'm not cut out for it here, but I am not missing the school opportunity that this state has to offer. I've looked around, numerous times, and NO WHERE can you find cheaper community college, or hell, even 4 year. I just don't know what to do with myself.

Waking up, sleeping schedule, and loving myself.

Well, it is 10:15 am, as i start this post. We're supposed to be taking Gretta (my chihuahua) to the vet today so she can get her shots. Surprise, Shane is sleeping and wont get up. I woke him up, then i had to take someone somewhere, and he was up when I got home but "he isn't ready to be awake". For god sake, I could have worked my half shift, I could have gotten the money that we need. I told him all day yesterday that I wanted to be at the vet early, so that we didn't end up having to sit in a hellacious line, but his sleep is more important.

I've asked him numerous times to get on a sleeping schedule, and he says he will, but still isn't in bed by midnight. It is frustrating, he works Wednesdays, Saturdays, and Sundays, and it sucks. I feel like, yet again, excuses are being made as to why he wont look for another job, as to why he isn't doing anything, I just feel like once again, I am being put on the back burner. It isn't fair that I feel like I am raising someone. I feel like my marriage is one sided, and it makes me want to run.

It is obvious, I am severely depressed, and I DO NOT love myself. It sucks, because I can't love anyone, I can barely offer advice to my friends now, because I am so unhappy in my current situation. I've tried everything, and I have no interests, and it sucks. I'm on a semi-consistent work out schedule, so that is something that I can look forward to, along with my computer, and this is going to sound totally pathetic, but is the only place I feel "comfortable". I'm having a really hard time focusing, and not just now, all the time. For instance, I am doing about a million different things while typing this blog. So many, that I've enabled spaces, which i said i wouldn't do, but it clears the clutter, so it is nice. And, right here, is where I lose all interest in finishing this. I'm hoping this St. Johns wort does something, gotta look up side effects because I feel like I just took some adderall.

The things i would like to accomplish

I feel like in recent weeks I've lost all of the things that I want to accomplish. There are a lot, and I know I need to get started, but I feel so lost and stuck. And the things I want to do aren't just materialistic, I want to help people. I really want to help people. I know that my close friends would say that I am a very helpful person and that I would do anything for someone else, but I really want to do something, and more than a random act of kindness, like holding the door or letting someone cross the street, that is actually just being courteous; I want to really help someone.

I've always been, and I don't want to say fascinated, because I don't think that is the right word to use, with The Trevor Project; when I first came across it, I was wanting to get more involved in the LGBT community, wanting to help people who are going through what I've been going through. But I've always wanted to volunteer for The Trevor Project, or the EQCA, or HRC, or somewhere of the likes, but I feel like in all actuality, I don't have any time, when all I have is time. I work a shit job, that will give me a few days if I need it, I have means of transportation, and I feel like all I do is make excuses.

I want to make myself happy, by myself, without any materialist objects; this is the one that would take the longest. I need to be dropped on an island, or put in a cabin in the woods, for one week, by myself. And, that might not necessarily make me happy, but I know that it would definitely make me grateful. And don't get me wrong, I really am grateful for everything I have,like a roof over my head, a solid job, food in my refrigerator, hell even my fridge. But there are days that I still think that isn't enough, and I don't know how to make it stop.

My generation takes quite a bit for granted, and I really need to start working on the things that I am grateful for. My mom, I've talked about her recovery a few times before, has the best advice, but I have the hardest time applying it to my life. This isn't a joke, but I feel like I need to recover, because I am addicted to feeling sad, which, most doctors would call depression, blah blahblah, been there, and I know what needs to be fixed, I just feel like I can't do it on my own.

I want to know how she does it, I want to know how she applies all of the daily information to her life. I am going to ask for her advice today, and see if she can help me with anything. She knows that I am unhappy in my current situation, she just tells me to figure it out, but that is my mom, and that is how she needs to act right now, she doesn't have time, and some people might say she is my mom she has to, but no; she is going through one of the most important changes of her life right now, I can wait.

I've got to get my head on straight. I have to. The talk with my grandma still resonates in my head; I need to see if we (shane and I) are on the same page, and I need to get my life going.

I've got a goal, to be healthy, and this is my last night eating meat.

I can't bare to think of what we do to our animals.

:[

Work, Home...Guess life in general

I had this amazing blog, all written out in my head last night, and then, nothing, so I guess I'll hav to update later.

Rebel Without A Cause

I've never watched "older" films. I am not going to say it is old, because it is color. I am just saying, I've never watched a movie like that. When the actors where "different". I don't know if I can explain what I mean, but it is just different. Part of me wants to say better, and part of me wants to say not so much. I might not be judging this right, even though the last thing i am trying to do is pass judgment. I am just..in awe, that a teen angst movie, movies I have watched since I was younger, could have such an affect on me, when the movie is like, 50 years old, and has the same "I am so alone feeling" as many of the other movies I have watched that are in the same genre, only difference is, the movies I have seen were filmed in the 80's.

I feel like I need to blog, all the time. It seems to be the only thing I can really focus on. Especially when it is for vgnerd.com, because I feel like I have to do good, because I don't only have to do good, I need to do good if it is going to be something I pursue.

done

Typing, work, and who else knows

Well, I am an avid twitter user, as you can see to the right of the screen. I use it all day, everyday, so much that I get yelled at for it. It helps though, helps me process the thoughts that i can't really do anything with, and it lead me to vgnerd via VG_Nerd, which has landed me a blogging, not sure if i can call it a position yet, but hopefully it can turn into one. But I love to type, video games might not be up there in my alley, I'll make it that way though, but the stuff I've typed up so far here and here have seem to come together very nicely. It is fun having something to do, instead of feeling like a waste, yea it has kept me glued to the computer more when I am at home, but hopefully it will pay off.

I love writing, about anything and everything. I didn't used, but something has really sparked an interest in me.

The sound of the dishwasher is very soothing, the constant rythm of the water rushing around is really relaxing. I started working out today, going to try and get on an every other day schedule. We went and looked at this house today with cassandra and her step dad. I like it, but I still want to go to sacramento, we've decided to get one lease under our belt, even though it isn't even a year lease, it'll help with something. i feel like i am rambiling now. Time for bed.

Friends, Work, Spay Day, and moving

An update on my life as a whole, not just my relationship this time. Things are good, we hung out with Justin and Courtney last night. Thing went really well. We also talked to our roommates about is moving out and someone taking our room, that also went well. I have this feeling though they don't want us to leave, because the people in our garage said that they would find a place if that is what is making us uncomfortable. But it isn't, honestly at all.  We are just moving to Sacramento. Davis, is like I said in an earlier post, a bubble. And, I am ready to get out of the bubble. We found this little apartment in the ghetto, it's cute, right in our price range, so no biggie on where it is at, and hopefully by the time we move and get our financial aid we can get in to where we really want to go.

I was supposed to work from 7-11 this morning, but my phone died before I could verify with the girl. And she endedup wanting her 4 hours back, after i gave her 4 of mine, which sucks. But shane ended up being sick. So i guess it is okay, even though now I don't get off until 3. 

I made an appointment for my puppy to get spayed, and checked up and such, at this low income thing coming up next month,  Hopefully we get in. She needs it and we have NO money for a real vet appointment. 

maybe update again later.

(NOGAYS!)

Really though, i was browsing MySpace the other day and came across this guys private profile. And in his headline he had his last name blah blah, and then is said (NO GAYS!). The kid was shirtless in his default, blah blah, average scene kid. But really, you either don't have a picture that might make someone try to request you, or you don't be so hateful. I am sure that your scene ass has messed with plenty of guys, or I am just being stereotypical. I know the scene I was apart of in Indiana had plenty of bi boys, and this kid didn't even live in the midwest, where all hell breaks loose if you are gay, at least it did at my HS. It is just frustrating, I can probably guess correctly that this kid has been hit on by a guy before, and probably gets plenty of gay guys attempting to add him in the first place.But don't be a bigot, there are nicer ways of going about things than being rude.

i guess it is a small rant.

Statting The Obvious, and a few other things to note.

I emailed Shane, and told him the majority of what I need to say. And, I think he knows I still might have more, I am just not sure how to express it. I love him, but I can't really describe how strong the love is...I don't know if this is me, or if it just a cycle that I go through. Because, I know the majority of the time I am always second guessing myself. People say to follow your gut, do the things that is instinct. But, what the majority of people don't understand is for me, running is an instinct. And, not running like exercise, like running from everything that I consider a problem (not saying i consider my marriage a problem). We talked a little bit last night, I feel like our marriage is failing, and part of me wants to end it, and not because I want to sleep around, that is the least of my worries, but because I know that I need to figure my shit out. I need to learn things, I need to learn things about myself. I need to grow up without feeling like I am raising someone else. And that might seem selfish, but I've been selfless for too long, and I need to start looking out for myself, whether that be married, or not, it's time i find out who I am. I guess this all started when i found this article. And, maybe that is what got me thinking, but I still feel like I am in a rut, and I still feel like we are in a rut. Hopefully Shane talks with our roommate today, who almost cried when we said we weren't going to be living in Davis anymore. It is pretty much an old town, with nothing to do, unless your going to UC Davis. This town is a bubble, and once your in it, it's get rich or die trying. I guess the majority of the state is like that.

I guess that is it. I want to go dancing, can't till next week, lame.